I recently received this letter from a parent regarding “I’ve Got A New Home: An activity book for kids on the move”. He gave me permission to share his story with you.

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Taryn,

My family moved to a new house last year at this time. My daughter was 7 and my son was 2. Both of my children were adjusting very well to the entire move. It was a bigger house, they each have there own room, the back yard is 5 times the size, they got to pick the color of their rooms. It was all very exciting and stressful all at the same time. My Daughter started a new school and seemed to be doing fine. Almost too fine. We noticed months later, while looking back at the early months at the house with 20/20 hindsight, that her school work was lacking in those first few moths of school. We then realized that maybe she didn’t adjust to the transition as well as we first thought or as well as she was letting on.

I have been following your facebook page for a long time and have been following the progress of your books. It was the first thing I thought of when I analyzed what my daughter and son might be feeling. I went on line and I bought a copy of “I’ve Got A New Home”. I can’t begin to tell you how much it helped to get my daughter to open up about her thoughts and feelings. There were things that my daughter was going through that we had no idea about. Your book was the catalyst that started a dialoged with her that, I feel, was a tremendous factor in her huge improvement at the end of the school year and also was a gateway book that opened up her eyes to poetry. I wish I could convey to you how good it felt when I would have those parent moments when you notice that things are “too quiet” in the other room. When I went into the room to investigate I saw her take it upon herself to take the book down again and read through it and look through it.

We are about to celebrate our one-year anniversary in the new house. Thanks to you and your book I have seen my daughter open up in a way that I have never seen before, and you and your book have been instrumental in the year long process of making our new house a home.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Gregory L.

Every once in a while, when I’m hanging out with my kids, I try to create an opportunity to learn a little something about that part of their life I may not be privy to. Sometimes I start an art project with them. Sometimes I challenge them to an improvisational “sing-off” (I never win those) and sometimes I just start reminiscing.

I start by saying something like, “You know what the best decision I ever made was?” or even “Do you know what the worst mistake I’ve ever made was?” I try to keep a level of humor and humility, hoping to show them that I know I’m not perfect, but I am smart enough to learn from my mistakes. It’s an effort to lead by example. They usually just listen for a minute or two, but then they start adding to the conversation–sharing their own “bests and worsts.”

On occasion, I’ve learned quite a bit during these conversations, and it’s provided an unexpected opportunity to teach some important life lessons.

It’s those little moments that can be the biggest influence.

We try very hard to keep our house in order. We do. We really do.

But there was always one space that just seemed to have us stumped–my daughter’s bedroom. It was as if there was just no way she could keep it clean. We lectured. We withheld privileges and set deadlines. But every time we thought she had it under control, we’d open the door to an explosion of clothing and toys spewn about the room.

Nothing worked.

Finally I sat down with her to lay the cards on the table.

“Sweetheart, what’s stopping you from maintaining your room?” I said. “You deserve to live in a clean, organized space.”

“I can’t move around!” she said. “I’ve got too much stuff!”

I could relate. Downsizing from our previous home had been a challenge and she didn’t really want to give anything up at the time. Bottom line? The less you have, the more organized you are.

Clearly it was time to mercilessly weed out the unnecessary junk. We moved the bed, adjusted the book shelves, sorted, and tossed. Finally, we ended up with a room that made my daughter feel like she could move around and keep things in order.

Sometimes it’s just psychological–less is more.

I spent this morning’s car ride to school navigating a heated discussion about intelligence. I should have had my coffee before I got in the car.

My son was determined to identify the smartest person he knows. I was concerned that his need to figure out who that might be was somehow tied to his self-esteem.

“There’s a difference between being intelligent and being well-informed,” I said. “Intelligence is all about your potential. If you don’t use it well, people won’t consider you very smart. But if you work hard and try to learn as much as you can, you may be better off than someone with a higher IQ.”

Man, I wish I had my coffee.

I could tell my daughter was listening intently. She was very quiet in the back seat, which is unusual for her. And I could tell my son just wanted to get back his “smart contest.”

So I added, “Being smart is about using the potential you were born with.”

It could also be a little bit about caffeine.

“IQ is irrelevant unless you develop a thirst for knowledge,” I added, still longing for my java.

“Then I guess I’m pretty smart,” my son said as he got out of the car–giving me one last grin before going inside his school.

I pulled back out onto the road and my daughter and I headed to the next drop off point.

She broke her silence with, “Mom, what does irrelevant mean?”

I gave her a clear definition of the word and a few examples of its usage. Then she tried it out a couple of times, clearly satisfied with her ability to put it in a sentence.

Right before she got out of the car, she gave me a smile that seemed to say, “I’m pretty smart, too.”

It was  a good morning…especially after that first sip of coffee.

We all try to give our kids the basic tools they need to get through life–an education, healthy eating habits, exercise, hobbies, manners, etc. But every once in a while we lose sight of an important one–humor.

It’s crucial, especially when a child is the target of bullying, to maintain some perspective and appreciate the joy and laughter life can provide. Sometimes, having a good laugh, even at oneself, is a healthy way to handle a situation.

I was reminded of that the other day when my son and I were talking about school. I asked him, as I often do, about gym class. I think we all know the potential trauma the locker room can offer.

I said, “So, how was your dodge ball game today?”

He replied, tongue in cheek, “Let’s just say now I know how the guys at the Alamo felt.” Then he chuckled, knowing it was a good one.

I was so impressed. Instead of viewing the experience and a negative mark on his abilities, he put it in perspective and allowed it to add some levity to his day. Not bad for twelve.

I often wonder what happens once I’ve walked out the door of a classroom I’ve been visiting. Students are so enthused while I am there and they get excited about every concept, but how can I be sure the message sticks?

Recently, while standing in front of a group of 4th graders I brought up the idea of practicing what we preach. At first they stared at me baffled, but suddenly their hands began to spring up, one-by-one, offering possible definitions. Nobody got the answer, but they didn’t stop trying.

Finally, I gave them an example. I recently wrote a column for Patch.com about putting away my cellphone while I am driving. So I told them about the article and then asked, “What message would I be giving if I wrote a column like that and went out to my car and made a call or texted while I drove away?”

They certainly knew the answer to that one. They smirked at me. “That would be bad!” they said.

Then we talked about the theme of our play, anti-bullying, and I asked,  ”What message would we be sending if we wrote this and then went around bullying people?”

They didn’t need to answer. I could see it in their eyes. They got it.

I love it when, in the middle of working on a play about bullying, little opportunities pop up where we can present life lessons of any kind. But the best part is that I never gave them the answer. I make it a point not to. I always pose my questions and hope it will inspire them to think.

So, hopefully, the next time they are faced with a bullying situation, they’ll take a moment to think about the play they are writing, and practice what they preach.

Every time I send my kids off to school, the last thing I say to them is, “Choose to be happy!”

They know exactly what I mean by that because they’ve heard it every day since my son was about seven. That was around the time he first started exhibiting signs of being bullied. Out of all of the methods I used to get him through it, teaching him that he could choose how to react to a situation on an emotional level was the most powerful, although it wasn’t easy.

I began by helping him recall previous good feelings–an old acting technique–and then I showed him how to call up that good feeling when he needed it. The goal was to make sure that he was not letting someone else’s negativity impact how he felt about himself.

But the goal is not to repress one’s feelings.  I wanted to make sure he expressed them, good or bad, and channelled them into something positive. Every time he felt sad, we would write or draw about it. He’s 12 now, loves writing, and working on a novel.

My 9-year-old daughter channels her more challenging emotions through songwriting. She’s written many songs and instinctually goes to her lyric notebook when she is having a bad day. When she emerges from her room, she sings to me what she’s written.

My goal was two-fold. First, I wanted my kids to learn to stand strong and recognize that when someone treats you badly, it reflects on their character, not yours. I didn’t want their self-esteem to depend on the opinions of others.

And second, I wanted them to understand that sometimes a bad experience can fuel great achievement. By the time they grow up, my son will have a finished novel, and my daughter will have enough songs for an album.

Slowly, they are defining their identity and it has less to do with how they are viewed by others, than how they view themselves.

All of this inspired the book, I’ve Got Feelings: An activity book for grinning, grimacing, and shouting out loud.

For more, please check out my parenting columns on Patch.com.

Every once in a while one of my children will come into the room sputtering. Perhaps, it’s because of his or her sibling, a broken possession, or maybe a friendship issue. Sometimes they’d be so upset that it seemed like anything I said in response added fuel to the fire.

Over the years, I’ve tried many different methods of handling this problem. But there’s one particular thing I have learned to do that immediately changes the energy level and allows a real conversation to take place.

I discovered that the real reason they respond to my help with frustration was simply that they didn’t feel heard. They already knew I could solve their problems. I’ve been doing it since the first scraped knee and that’s why they came to me in the first place. But what they really wanted was to be listened to and understood.

So one day I tried something new. Instead of immediately trying to provide a solution, I started by repeating what they said back to them, and added a little insight so they would understand their feelings a little more.

If they said, “He took my book and didn’t even ask!” I said, “Okay, what you’re saying is that it wasn’t fair or nice of him to take what is yours without your permission. And it makes you angry and frustrated. You’re right. That wasn’t nice, but he probably didn’t mean to hurt you this way. So now let’s think of a good way to handle this.”

As they listen to my words, I can see their shoulders drop. They become less agitated and begin to calm down. Then we talk about what we should do next. That’s where my book, “I’ve Got A Choice” comes in. We use the “Stop and Think Checklist” to work out the best way to move forward.

The beauty of this method is that they get into the habit of handling their problems this way with no guidance from me. They become more confident and empowered.

Give it a try and let me know what you think. And please check out my columns on Patch.com for more parenting articles.

Be kind to each other,

Taryn

This week I am featured on Lifetimemoms.com, being interviewed by Beth Feldman. She is raising money to help her community stomp out bullying and asked me to speak at an event she’s having in New Rochelle on March 3rd. I would appreciate it if you checked out the interview and voted for her!

Go here to see the video and vote.

Be kind to one another.

Taryn